So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing