Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.