So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You Might Also Like
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct