@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

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@dumbbeezie

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@BlindChow

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?