*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here