I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
WebMD: stomach cancer
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.