So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I hope Alan is OK