@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@donni

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

@SkinnieTalls

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

@maurajbg

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

@SatansTongue

Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
*nervously*
“Uh yeah just fine”

@pleatedjeans

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

@egg_dog

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@Jmboyd58

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here