So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
