Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

some things should go without saying

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.