Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.