So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
You Might Also Like
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.