@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

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@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@realdealbiehl

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

@fart

btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software

@maratasin

The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

@pittdave13

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*