So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S