Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
What the hell is going on?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I’m listening
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance