Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

ㅤ

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

ㅤ

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.