Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.