So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.