Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.