So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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