so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’m calling the cops.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*