so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.