Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no