Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

why isn’t he texting back

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂