“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
You Might Also Like
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.