So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.