So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker