Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured