Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

🚲+physics = winner

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors