So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
only 11 steps left
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
me, after any kind of buffet.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
