Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me: