So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?