So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.