So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel