Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.