So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it