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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.