Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

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