Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Air conditioning – not a fan

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.