So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Sharon, call the vet
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.