So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer