So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Bike for sale
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.