Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.