Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.