So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
what’s more important?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important