So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.