So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
🤔😂😂
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
asked my bf how work was today
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working