So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
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I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.