So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Cashiers are always checking me out
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
life finds a way
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
