Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Knock Knock

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?