Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

They also CAN sing✌️

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.