Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Sticker placement is key.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach