Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Wake me when AI does housework

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.