Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information