So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.