So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Software Development ⛵️
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.