So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
incredible
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas