Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.