Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment