Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

Big Sex has us all fooled

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.