So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Sharon I have some bad news
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE