“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
His flabber was gasted 😂
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY