Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Oh my god

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss