“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish