“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
look scared
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses