Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

This is what makes twitter great

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.