So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
You Might Also Like
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff