Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.