So sick of all these stupid rules
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.