So sick of all these stupid rules
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.