So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
This is I, Robot all over again
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
english majors be like furthermore
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.