So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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Sir!!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.