So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Beware of the “party goblin”…
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.