So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Bear knowledge
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?