So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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*sewing*
A thread
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles