So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Kermit goes Blue.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance