So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
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Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.