So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
You Might Also Like
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My biological clock is wheezing.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.