So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
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I already tried new things thanks.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.