So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Great game to play with friends
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes