So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Rather alarming headline…
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Them: Just act casual
Me:
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
