So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
